Seeds
by bad-karmapolice
Summary: This horrible Frankenstein fanfic consits of Alucard, whose brain has apperantly melted from the heat, giving a confused Pip some apple seeds. And in this Alucard doesnt know that apple seeds can only grow apples. He wears a singlet in this hooray!


IN MY DEFENSE...i have'nt had a good night sleep in like...a week I have literaly spent said week watching Scrubs. I am SO confused and diseoriented. So my _silly_ and my _brain_ made sweet love and they had a baby...this fic. It wasn't pretty.

I'm pretty sure someone tried to arrest me for it.

Anyway...in regards to my story 'the desert trip', for those who read it, god bless you, I'm, like...a paragraph away from finishing the 2nd chapter.

Also, I'de like to point out THAT I HAVE NOTHING AGAIST PIP, It's just really easy to write fics with him in this kind of position. (The frightened one). ALSO, I think Alucard would look so very very pretty in a singlet. But I digress.

I love you all, people. Have I told you that recently? Well I do. Us fanfic writers, we should have a whole dimension for ourselves. The...ficDimension..or...Fanfic Island X or something. And from that dimension, we'll laugh at the normal people and we'll have...a party...with...David Bowie. And Wonder Woman.

* * *

It was a really hot day. _Really _hot. The sun was glaring at them and was most probably trying to melt their faces off.

"Oi, Pippy, look over there." Said Roy. His thumb was jerking behind him, and the other troops who were scattered around their table were all craning their stiff necks to see what is was. Pip craned his neck with them. He frowned. It was Alucard. The unbelievable heat had obviously been a bit too much for him too; the skinny thing was only wearing a singlet and pants. The undershirt was just hanging limply on him. There wasn't an ounce of fat on the bloke. Everyone stared at Alucard. Alucard sauntered over to them. Well, to Pip more specifically, but his eyes were a bit glazed over and were half covered by his eyelids, so Pip couldn't be sure. 'A guy shouldn't have such long fucking eyelashes' Pip thought. So, really, Pip wasn't actually sure if it meant to be him who Alucard grunted 'Oi' to.

"Er, 'ello there, Alucard." Pip greeted. The vampire only continued to stand there. Pip shuffled a bit in his sweat-sticky seat.

"Uuh…heats botherin' you too, eh? You...Ah…look nice."

"No I don't." Alucard replied. Pip really didn't know how to reply to that, so he did this really…awkward shrilly laugh. Darwin shook his head and muttered "dickhead." Pip kicked him from under the table. Jamie laughed. He got kicked too. (He wasn't sure by whom though.) Daddy Vampire Alucard still stood there silently.

"What'cha got there, big guy?" Roy asked him. Roy was gesturing to Alucard's large hands. It was holding something, which just couldn't be good, Pip deduced. Alucard glanced at his hand like he had only just realized there was something in it. He showed it to Roy, who made an amused noise. Roy was probably the most senior of the troops who Pip was actually acquainted with. He had a stellar knowledge of the supernatural and had even more experience with it then good man Walter did. He apparently worked in a place somewhat similar to a zoo except instead of animals like elephants it had like…unicorns or something. Roy of the unicorns was a father to six children, five of which were boys, and so, inadvertently, he treated any guy who looked younger than him like his son. He was the only one of the troops (the human ones) who wasn't scared shitless of Alucard. He treated him like the other troops. Oddly enough, Alucard didn't seem to give a flying fuck. 'A hundred says he actually enjoys it' Tommy had said once.

"What are they for?" He heard Roy say. Pip assumed Roy was referring to whatever Alucard had.

"They're for Pip." And Pip's soul squealed. Oh that can't be good.

"Oh. 'ow nice" Roy snickered. Alucard looked back at Pip. The other blokes did too.

'_Get the shit out of here you fucking twat!!' _Pip's soul shrieked at him. Alucard thrust his pale hand in front of Pip's face. In it were small, black seeds. Apple seeds, probably. Oh. How nice.

"Oh…those are for me?" Pip asked him nervously.

"Yes. Take 'em." Pip let the vampire drop the little seeds into his hand.

"Wow. Uh…thanks." There was a moment of awkward silence. Pip was…well, Pip didn't know. This was weird.

"What…should I…do with them?" Pip finally asked. It was a stupid question, yes, as there is a really limited list of things you can do with seeds. But…Alucard _was _a vampire. He had quite a few screws loose (Fuck that, whatever the screws were suppose to keep intact was obviously not there anymore) and, well, asking would sometimes make a world of difference with that guy.

"You should use them to grow a pair of balls." Alucard answered. There was a moment where the whole room was filled with wheezes of laughter and cackles from everyone who had heard. This was in fact everyone in the room.

"…what?" Pip dumbly replied.

"Master's really irritated and wanted me too piss off, so she gave me these seeds from her Apple. I don't really know anything about apples or about what…comes…from them, like these seeds. So I asked Walter, who also wanted me to piss off, and he said that these seeds do in fact grow things. I don't know what it grows exactly, so let's hope for your sake it's that pair of testicles that you seem to have missed out on when you were born."

There was absolutely nothing Pip could possibly say as a reply to this. The other guys were going blue from laughing so hard and Pip's ego kind of deflated like a beach ball. He looked at the seeds forlornly and, to Jamie's delight, placed them in his pocket.

"K.O!" Bernard laughed. Alucard said nothing more to Pip and turned to Roy.

"I think the heat has melted my brains, but Master and Walter are too busy to help and Seras is busy…playing with…tampons or whatever girls do. That and I think I have a concussion from falling down the stairs…you wouldn't know anything about this by any chance, would you?" He asked him.

"Uh...sure, big guy." Roy got out of his seat and led Alucard out of the room. Pip shrank in his seat.

Fuck it was hot.


End file.
